PROVERBS

VIRTUE 1: LOVING YOUR HUSBAND

So how do we love our husbands in practical ways?

#1 - Pray for your husband

1 Corinthians 7:16 - For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband?

James 5:16 - Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous person avails much.

God did not create marriage to make us happy. Marriage is a ministry and is intended for us to help each other grow into the person God designed us to be. It is a gift to have a partner to go through life with - if you're going the same direction. If you are not going the same direction, it becomes a battle until you both fall apart. Praying together, and for each other, is the number one way to ensure your marriage lasts.  

Not sure what to pray? Pray for protection and blessing of your marriage. Pray for God to renew your love for each other and strengthen your relationship. Pray for unity and that you will be on the same team.

Being married puts you in a unique position to influence your husband’s life. A wife should be her husband’s number one fan, supporter, encourager, partner and prayer warrior. You should be an intercessor – praying for him when he can’t find the words or doesn’t even recognize his need for prayer. Everyone needs a prayer partner that can cover them in prayer when we are too weak to stand on our own.

Things to pray daily:

• Pray for his relationship with God and spiritual growth.

• Pray for God to give you both more love for Him.

• Pray for protection over your marriage.

• Pray for God to renew your love for each other every day.

• Pray for his relationship with others – family, children, coworkers

• Pray over his day – health, safety, a good day

• Pray for his work – bless the work of his hands

• Pray that he will be obedient to the Lord.

• Pray for challenges he is facing.

• Pray that he would be fulfilled in his work.

• Pray for peace and calm in all situations.

• Pray for wisdom to lead him.

• Pray for him to be the leader of your home.

Talk to God about everything. He already knows and wants you to talk to Him. Talk to Him like a father and a friend, because that is who He is.

*NOT MARRIED YET? Pray for your future husband and marriage.

#2 – Speak His Language

LOVE LANGUAGES

God loves variety. He created men and women to be different in order to fulfill the role he has assigned to them. Every person is different and the roles we have are unique. Because of these differences, we frequently have misunderstandings and unintentional hurts that Satan uses to tear us apart, or we can allow God to use those to grow us together. If we think of how we give and receive love as a language, we will usually see that our spouse/loved ones speak a different language than we do! If that is the case, it's no wonder we don't understand each other. Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages is a must read for all married couples - and should be read annually for at least the first 5 years of marriage!

• Physical Touch

• Words of Affirmation

• Quality Time

• Acts of Service

• Gifts

Example:

Wife- "(Husband) says he feels unloved and I don't understand why… I make his lunch every day, I warm up his car, I buy his favorite snacks - I'm doing everything! He is upset because I have to spend time at work on the weekend and wants to go with me to "help", but that just slows me down so I have to spend more time away. I'm frustrated!!"

In this scenario, the wife is speaking the language of "Acts of Service". She is expressing love by doing things for her husband. The husband speaks a "Quality Time" language. He isn't receiving the wife's expressions of love as love. His language is time together. Learning to recognize and understand the other person's language is critical to a long and happy marriage.

There is a free Love Language quiz online. If you don’t know your language, go take the quiz: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes

#3 - Help him be the leader of the home

Genesis 2:18 – It is not good that the man should be alone – I will make a help meet for him.

Genesis 3:6 - Eve gave the fruit to her husband and caused them both to fall.

Genesis 3:16 - Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.

Ephesians 4:22-23 - Wives, submit to your own husband, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is the head of the church.

God calls the wife a “helper” comparable to the man. This is the same word used to describe the Holy Spirit so it does NOT indicate that the wife is less important than the man, just as the Holy Spirit is not less important than the Father. It means that we, as women, are designed for a different purpose. Our role is different than the man’s role. We are designed to be the helpmate. That’s why we are typically caregivers in the home: the shoulder to cry on, the arms to comfort, and the one who knows where every lost item has been left.

God's perfect plan is for the husband to be the leader of the home. That does not make the wife less. Think of the home like a military structure. God is the Commander-in-Chief. He gives the direction and orders. Next in the command structure is the General (husband). He is responsible for ensuring the orders are carried out. Next in the chain of command is the Lieutenant whose job is to ensure the General has everything needed to carry out the orders successfully. God has given husbands and wives specific roles and responsibilities for the family to run smoothly. When that order gets messed up, or we overstep into the wrong role, we step out of God's design which allows discord, chaos, fighting, and discontent to creep into the marriage.

How do we help him be the leader God designed him to be?

Humble yourself.

Humility means valuing others above ourselves. It takes spiritual maturity to have humility. Most people would rather be “right” than happy. As we grow in spiritual maturity, God gives us eyes to see others through His love – not our own. When we look at our husbands through God’s eyes, we begin to see strengths that our pride blinds us to.

‍‍Work with what you have.

What does he naturally or willingly do well? Are there things that he does that you would appreciate if it was just done “your way”? Whether its doing the dishes, cleaning, folding laundry, or packing the car – we all have a certain way we like things done. The question is: is doing it my way worth doing it all myself? My sister would have her kids fold the laundry when they were little. I asked her one time how she handled it that they didn’t fold things neatly. Her response was “it’s one less thing I have to do myself”. That struck me deeply! You can’t complain about having to do everything yourself if you demand that everything is done your way.

Example: My husband enjoys dust mopping the hardwood floors, but he always gets distracted before finding the dustpan and sweeping up the pile so we end up with little piles of dirt all over the house. I love that he makes an effort and want to encourage it. So I stopped complaining about the piles and bought a automatic hair salon vacuum station so all he has to do is sweep a pile near it and it automatically vacuums it up! It’s fun for him (because, power tools!) and it allows me to just appreciate his help without getting frustrated.

Pray that God will give you eyes to see your husband’s strengths and help you understand how to encourage and build him up in those areas.

Acknowledge his strengths as gifts from God. Typically, the things that draw us TO our husbands when dating are also the things that drive us nuts after the wedding! Strengths have a corresponding weakness. What looks like “outgoing and comfortable in a crowd” when dating, turns into “talks too much and embarrasses me” after the wedding! When we live with someone, we are up close and personal with the weaknesses that they hide from the rest of the world. We need to recognize and acknowledge our husband’s strengths so we can encourage and help him grow in those areas.

Invite his strength by revealing your weaknesses.

We cannot and should not do everything ourselves. This is a team! Sometimes we have to actually say “I am overwhelmed. Can you help me with this?” Men need to be needed. We also need to give them space to be strong. If we never admit we need help, they have no place to practice their strength.

If asking for his help triggers a negative reaction (why bother? /I shouldn’t have to ask!/he’ll only help with a bad attitude/etc.) pray about it and then sit down and talk to him about how you feel.

Stop rescuing him.

Many young husbands are afraid of assuming responsibility, or have no desire to grow up. Taking over the role of mother to your husband enables him to continue being a child in an adult body. As strong women, we tend to step in and take over when our husbands hesitate. That is not helping him; that is rescuing him. He must be given the opportunity to fail so that he has the opportunity to grow and step forward. Rescuing him steals his opportunities to grow – spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and in strength of character. Unless the failure would result in serious harm, its better to suffer a short-term inconvenience than to keep rescuing him.

Example: I had a neighbor who was frustrated that her husband wouldn’t mow the front lawn which was his agreed upon responsibility. After several months, she called the city and asked them to issue a citation on the overgrown lot. They were shocked that she wanted a citation issued on her own house! She did not rescue him by taking care of the lawn herself, but instead allowed him to fail and feel the consequences of his lack of responsibility.

Remember the Biblical definition of ‘virtuous’ - strength, power, might, efficient, capable, displays integrity - none of that implies inferiority, lack of worth, or a lower status as women.

Proverbs 31:11 - The heart of her husband safely trusts her.

We need to be women worthy of trust in all areas of life. That is how we fulfill our roles as helpmate, partner, and friend.